you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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