Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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