You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
