Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
