come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
