that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
