grandma shit on top of the toilet
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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