If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
