saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
