I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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