i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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