yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
