it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
