please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
