About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
