He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
