My liver just broke up with me...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
