Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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