I smell stomach acid.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
