i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
