i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Don't make out with my wife yet
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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