Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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