His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Bring me that man meat
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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