this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
