Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
