I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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