i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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