I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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