And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
