In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
