My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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