My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How's work?
Spinning.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
