She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
