So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
