I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
