Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
