i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
