If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I pour the whiskey from now on
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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