no, he came in my armpit
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
