If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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