Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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