Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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