I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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