God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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