I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
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