It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
