i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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