Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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