im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
