Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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